Same game as usual but different perspective

Everything feels like I am just swimming through molasses

September 7, 2025

Brooklyn, NY

Fall ball starts a few weeks after the end-of-year tournament so usually in September which technically is still summer. Yesterday I went to fall ball in the morning and it still felt like summer: 85 degrees, muggy, sunny, sticky. The field had a huge puddle in front of left field so we shifted everything around and put home plate in such a weird spot, like between third and home, facing right field. We played for two hours and made it work but every time I fielded the ball it took me a minute to get myself re-oriented and figure out where first base was. Same game as usual but different perspective. 

After fall ball I spent the rest of the day with other softball friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. We hung out and watched tennis at a brewery then got kicked out because there was a wedding happening so we ran up the street to find a spot to watch the last few minutes of Anisimova losing (most of us were rooting for her). Then we sat in my friends’ apartment the rest of the night and it all felt like summer. 

Yesterday stretched on slowly and things ambled along with ease, and now today it’s 65 degrees and rainy and it feels different. I’m reminded of how hard the winters here are and why they’re so hard: the gray, the cold, the 6 hours of daylight (I may be exaggerating here). Last week there was a chill in the air, especially in the mornings. A few days ago I took a walk with a friend in the park that left my heart aching, and as the sun went down it got kind of chilly and I was glad I brought a sweater. I also brought some chocolates in my bag on that walk to give to my friend but they melted after sitting on the warm concrete outside the boat house, and I felt too embarrassed to give them to her. The chocolate hardened back up on my walk home and they’re still in my bag just in case. I probably will end up throwing them away. 

At this moment it’s 11:11 a.m. (make a wish) and I’ve not eaten breakfast yet but I have had two cups of coffee which might be why I feel a little bit weird. Or maybe it’s the change in the weather, or maybe the mounting to-do list in my head, or maybe this is just how it feels to exist. I re-read some old journal entries this morning. January 15, 2024: “I hate how hard it is for me to get anything done. Everything feels like I am just swimming through molasses.”

The day ended up being warmer than it was in the morning (it’s now 9:36 p.m.) and I went to the beach to watch the sunset. It takes exactly an hour to get to the Rockaways, sometimes even less, and it’s really peaceful. The last full moon I went out there with some softball friends and tonight I went with myself and I brought a sandwich both times. 

There were so many people there dressed in all white and I could not figure out what their deal was. They seemed like they’d been at the beach all day and were just wrapping up, they were all friendly and a little older and had so many tables and chairs and coolers and bags and stuff. I passed two ladies as I walked onto the beach and overheard one said “the full moon is all about releasing” and I was like yeah exactly! I ate my sandwich and walked with my feet in the water and enjoyed the way the sky changes as the sun goes down. 

Every few minutes I took a photo because it just kept getting more and more beautiful, clouds shifting and colors deepening and expanding across the sky. I started writing some sad thoughts down and thought about how badly I wanted to jump into the ocean but I was kind of worried about doing it. Should I get in? Is it safe? Will I get yelled at? What if someone steals my stuff? Then I remembered some of the brave things I’ve done: I’ve held my mom’s hand while she died and gave her eulogy, I flew across the world my first week on a new job to meet my coworkers, I’ve confessed crushes to people (usually at inopportune times), I’ve trusted people, I’ve asked for help, I’ve apologized, I’ve been painfully honest. I took off my clothes before I could change my mind and ran straight into the ocean and it welcomed me with gentle waves. I dipped my head under and floated on my back staring at the sky then I popped back up to spin around and look at the sun again. It was beautiful. I felt really close to my mom. 

Once I got out of the water I remembered that I didn’t bring a towel so I just stood there on the beach for a bit trying to dry off and getting colder and colder. I finished writing down all my sad things while sopping wet, then I tore the paper into pieces and lit it on fire. I buried the ashes in the sand and took a few to scatter in the ocean. I eventually dried off enough to bundle back up and I made it to the train just as it pulled into the station (I had to sprint up the stairs to make it on time but I made it!). 

At home I shook out as much sand as I could from my bag then I took a hot shower and made tea. I tried to journal some but my pen died and believe it or not this is my fifth dead pen this week. Like when is the last time a pen died on you? And then it happened five times in one week! What do you think that means? Probably nothing. Maybe something!

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Some recommendations really quick:

• Maybe try reading book “Atmosphere” by Taylor Jenkins Reid. Lesbian astronauts! I read it quickly and enjoyed it.

• You could listen to the song “Felicity” by Miya Folick. It’s been stuck in my head for a week and is possibly making me feel a bit crazier but it’s a very beautiful song.

• Making chicken salad is always a good idea. Add spicy brown mustard and pickled onions when you make a sandwich with it (toast the bread with olive oil).